amazing and fun

So I feel really good about her now, I remember this feeling of really waiting for her to come our apartment where I was with our children... this pure feeling of joy when somebody enters through the door and you inward become so happy thinking it is her. 

The children are most wonderful, what made it a little bit difficult, is the energy of my own mother. Yes, it is painful, that emotion. Sure it is possible to overcome it somehow by training... Yet it would be most helpful to actually feel it. I'm playing this guessing game now... always wanting to be in control of your feelings? Having to be this "grown-up" posture all the time? To teach others without inward actually not knowing? This desire to share maybe instead... I mean instead of this "teaching others while feeling actually insecure" maybe just the "desire to share"? Maybe we just sit down in a circle of friends and you can share everything without judging it...

Admitting that we actually don't know... in my experience, it is possible to find out... where do I belong? The answer will come. Happy in the forests, happy exploring, lurking, really experiencing, feeling, the female side. This inner knowing gets to the feeling level, making you really happy, you then naturally wish to share your feelings... learning not to even judge the most tough ones... any emotion is ok, and you no longer even have the desire to scream it out... you have screamed enough already, now you can just raise your voice in despair if you wish to address that you are tired to your child... they will understand come and hug you, when they can feel your emotion.

So I am thankful for these people who entered to my life for opening up this huge wound, this emotional hurt inside, suppressed... it finally got released on emotional level which is really really good and feels better... I wasn't even aware about some aspects of it... such as (the most common one): screaming "wtf are you doing???" i totally get it now that feeling :) thank God for lessons in empathy